This past week, Donald Trump once again took center stage—dismissing the Epstein scandal as a “political hoax,” bragging about ending “seven wars,” and even whining about being left out when China, Russia, and North Korea had their own military “boys’ night out.”

“Hurricane Epstein” Hits Washington

Congress returned from summer recess straight into the storm over the Jeffrey Epstein files. Over 33,000 pages were released, most of which had already been seen. But the pressure to unseal the full list of names tied to the disgraced financier is only growing.

In a twist, some Republicans have joined Democrats to push for full disclosure. Even more bizarre, Marjorie Taylor Greene suggested bringing Epstein’s victims straight into the Oval Office to confront Trump himself—a proposal awkward enough to make even him squirm.

Trump Strikes Back: “It’s All a Hoax”

Under mounting scrutiny, Trump brushed it all off as a distraction from his so-called historic record of success. He proudly declared:

“I ended seven wars. That’s a record. That’s what we should be talking about, not the Epstein hoax.”

The claim sparked laughter online. Just last week, Trump said he ended ten wars. Commentators joked: “Tomorrow it’ll be fifteen. By next month he’ll say he ended Star Wars.”

The Enemies’ Party—Without Trump

Meanwhile, in Beijing, Xi Jinping threw a lavish military parade featuring Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un. The “Axis of Awkward” strutted before cheering crowds. Trump, left off the guest list, sulked online with a backhanded congratulatory post.

It read more like the bitter comment of someone scrolling through their ex’s vacation photos than the words of a world leader.

Troops Become… Gardeners

Back home, Trump boasted that deploying troops to Washington “revived restaurants” and “made the city safe again.” But reservation data from OpenTable told a different story: bookings were actually down 30% from last year.

Small business owners in Los Angeles and Washington reported plummeting revenues, some down by half. One shopkeeper summed it up:

“The only thing I can thank Trump for… is messing everything up.”

With little crime to fight, the deployed National Guard soldiers ended up raking leaves and sweeping sidewalks. Locals now joke they’ve gone from National Guard to National Gardeners.